Date: 2009-11-17 23:42 Subject: Response to virginia_fell and raven_moon Security: Public

I don't post on LJ very often anymore, but I received a few comments today regarding a post I made several months ago. In this post, I was waxing poetic about how things are going so well with Anni, and I also mentioned some times when things were not so great in my life, when I would go out to the bars and try to hit on women. I am not proud of those days, and somewhat ashamed of my behavior.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I did not get anyone drunk for the purpose of taking advantage of them and having sex.

Truth be told, in the vast majority of times I went out drinking, I struck out. I rarely even got a kiss out of the evening, and on the one (ONE!) occasion I brought someone home, it was after we had seen each other a number of times before, and while I don't deny that we had both been drinking, what happend was between two consenting adults who were both sober enough to know what they were doing.

It bothers me that I feel I have to explain my actions, particularly when those days are long behind me now. I am in a loving, monogamous relationship now. Anni knows my past, and knows that it is not a life I ever want to return to.

To virgina_fell and raven_moon: first off, I'm surprised that you commented on this post over four months after I wrote it. Second, anyone who knows me can tell you that I am not the sort of person to take advantage of a woman who is clearly too drunk to think clearly.
Finally, and this is the last thing I will say on this matter, I hope that nothing like that ever happened to you, or ever will.

End of story. Good night.

Date: 2009-10-14 09:57 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

It's hard to stay up
It's been a long, Long Day
And you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let's do it anyway
It's ok
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey hey
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday

Date: 2009-07-11 04:44 Subject: For Anni Security: Public Location: home Tags: anni, love

Before I met you, I was so lonely. I would come home from work to an empty house, the tattered remnants of a disappointing life all around me. I was too apathetic to care, and never noticed how I had let myself and my world fall into disrepair. Why should I care? It wasn't like there was anyone who would notice. Dishes would pile up, the grass would go uncut, and mementos and pictures would get stuffed away because there was no one to share them with.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I would toss and turn in bed, nobody but the dog to keep me company at night. I would stay up until all hours of the night, doing God knows what. When I dreamed, I couldn't remember them, and when I had nightmares, there was no one there to comfort me when I awoke in a cold sweat, heart pounding. As much as I hated going to bed at night, I would get up in the morning and struggle to get out of bed, because there was nothing in the waking world that I particularly wanted to see.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world, at least not in my 9 to 5 world. I was at a new job where I didn't know anyone, was insecure about my abilities, and was still reeling from the emotional bruising of being fired from my old job. I couldn't help but think that I only got this job out of pity's sake, and I wasn't a valued member of the work force. At the first sign of trouble, it, too, could be snatched away from me, and I would be set adrift in a sea of unemployment and financial worries, and this time those cold waters could drag me under for the last time.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I would go out to the bars almost every weekend. I wasn't looking for anyone or anything of significance. All I wanted was to spend my money on beer and vodka, check out all the hot young chicks, and buy them drinks and trinkets in a pathetic attempt to get one of them to notice me. I would chat them up, desperately trying to come across as smooth and attractive, and if they were drunk enough, maybe I might get a kind word or a kiss for my efforts. On the extremely rare events that I would bring one home, it was meaningless physical copulation, followed by hours and days of emotional hand-wringing. More often, I would spend all my money and energy in a fruitless attempt to have some sort of human contact, and at the end of the night I would still come home alone. It was a waste of time.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I wasn't sure if I would ever open myself up to a real relationship again. I had a few aborted attempts, but none of them were really what I wanted. I could never find a person that I would give myself to unconditionally, or whom was willing to give themselves to me in that way. I saw some friends as something more, because I desperately wanted there to be something more. I wanted to love and be loved, and I was practiced at the art of self-deception. I couldn't see past my own needs, and clung to the slimmest threads of the chance for love. When those threads unraveled, I felt worse than if I had never made the effort. I never thought I would find real love again, never thought I would find someone I wanted to spend my days and nights with, never even hoped that I would find myself thinking of a future with them.

And then I met you.


I never thought I would be truly happy in my life.

And then I met you.

Date: 2009-06-30 22:01 Subject: Zoom zoom! Security: Public Mood: relieved Tags: insight, mazda, protege

The long, strange trip of the Insight is over. No more dead batteries, no more parts falling off when I hit a bump, and no more bumper stickers.

I have just come home from buying the next Billmobile, a 2002 Mazda Protege5. Pictures will follow in a few days, but it's a 4 door hatchback, silver with black interior and tinted windows, 83K miles (which isn't too bad for a 7 year old car), and a 2.0 liter 4 cylinder engine.

It's peppy (one review called it sprightly), roomy enough for four adults plus some luggage, and most of all, it's reliable (I hope).

Now I just need to pay for the dang thing.

Date: 2009-05-26 19:34 Subject: It's been a while, but well worth the wait Security: Public Tags: anni, exercise, job, love

WOW! Has it really been six weeks since I posted last? Time flies when you're losing your mind.

I could write a LONG drawn out entry, but I'll just keep it to the highlights.

As you know, I started dating someone in late February. I really didn't write too much about her, because I honestly didn't know which way things were going to go.
Well, I'm happy to say that things are going very well. This past Thursday, we celebrated three months together. A few weeks earlier, in what was probably a much-too-dramatic way, I told her that I loved her, a feeling which, thankfully, she enthusiastically reciprocated.

I would say that we see each other 4 or 5 nights during the week. We'll watch TV (she managed to get me hooked on American Idol this season), go the library, or just sit on the porch and talk. Of course, we do more than just talk; sometimes we go out to the bar and sing karaoke.


Since the love life is doing so well, of course the work life has to be less than stellar.
I've been at this job for four months, and except for my old employer, I don't have any steady clients. I've been studying manuals and doing training exercises since March, and I'm no closer to being assigned a project that I was back then.
I know I've only been at this job a little while, but I really don't see it being a long-term situation. I'm not doing what I was hired for, my database skills are barely being utilized, and the design and project management skills I was cultivating at Worth aren't being considered. I can stay here for a few months, maybe through the end of the year, but I doubt I'll want to be there much longer than that once (if?) the economy and the job market improves.


I'm not going to post anything about my weight-loss program, because it has been nonexistent. I haven't been to the gym since April, and I've been slow to hit the walking trail, since the idea of an evening with Anni is much more appealing. I'm working on it, though. If I can go for a walk once a week, 5-7 miles, that's a good start. See if I can increase the frequency and/or distance by the end of June.


Well, that's all for now. I'll try to post here more often; to be honest, many of my LJ friends are also on FaceBook, so you'll have a good chance of catching me there.

Date: 2009-04-13 20:46 Subject: Well, it could be worse Security: Public Tags: diet, exercise, vegas, weight loss

I just came back from the gym, after two months of inactivity (what can I say, having a new girlfriend takes up a lot of my free time). After a brief workout, I weighed myself.

220 pounds.

OK, that's not too much of a weight gain since the fall, but I still want it GONE!!

I'm making some simple goals:
Goal 1: 215 by May 18, a week before Memorial Day. (5 lbs in 5 weeks, very doable)
Goal 2: 210 by July 3, the start of the Independence Day weekend. (5 lbs in 6 weeks, but now I'm cutting fat and building muscle)
Goal 3: 205 by August 23, day before my birthday. (5 lbs in 7 weeks, and I'll be dropping below my 2008 low weight, so it's gonna be a struggle to break through that plateau)
Goal 4: 200 by October 12, which is Columbus Day. (the final 5 lbs are the toughest)
...and a long-term goal: maintain that weight (within 5 lbs) until next Valentine's Day.

Of course, having a goal is a lot more meaningful if there is some sort of reward:
If I reach Goal 1, I'll buy myself a crucifix or rosary (yes, all you non-Catholics, that really is a treat for me). Price range is around $25.
For Goal 2, I'll treat myself to a new watch, in the $50 range.
Goal 3 means a new DVD player, and I can probably get a nice one for $100.
If I can make Goal 4, losing 20 pounds in 6 months, I'm buying a new smartphone. That's about the time I would be eligible for an upgrade or ready to change carriers, so I'll give myself a budger of $250.
...and if I can literally bust my ass and keep the weight off for 4 additional months, I'm going to VEGAS, baby!

It's reasonable, it's sensible, and new toys and vacations as a carrot are a lot more motivating than a stick.

Date: 2009-04-10 15:47 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I would like to wish everyone a blessed Easter Triduum, in anticipation of Christ's glorious resurrection on Easter Sunday.

Date: 2009-04-10 11:58 Subject: Thoughts on Good Friday Security: Public Music: Jesus Christ Superstar Tags: catholic, easter, good friday

It's a dark and gloomy day here in Indianapolis, rather appropriate for a day when we remember the Crucifixion.

I'm listening to the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack. I forgot how good the music is, and it does get the point of the Gospels across. Need to see if the local video store has it.

Today is a day of fasting and abstinence. Not like skipping a meal or two is gonna do me any harm, and there have been days when I've been so busy with something that I've forgotten to eat, but actually being told not to eat as a form of penance makes the empty stomach a little more noticable.

During the time that I would normally go out to lunch, I will be praying a Rosary in unison with Catholics throughout the world, and at 3pm, the time when Christ gave up his life, I will pause for a moment of silence.

I remember entering the Catholic Church three years ago this weekend (give or take a day), and the onrush of grace and love was incredible. That fire has burned bright at times, dim at others, but it has lit my way and warmed my heart ever since. As much as I felt my devotion wavering over the past few weeks, it's gonna get a serious booster shot this weekend, and I pray that the fire is rekindled.

Date: 2009-04-02 22:42 Subject: Back to the 80s (6 of 6) Security: Public

I remember watching this final video in college, on MTV's 120 minutes. It was literally impossible to turn away; Johnny Rotten's eyes are hypnotic, and more than a little unnerving.

Date: 2009-04-02 22:40 Subject: Back to the 80s (5 of 6) Security: Public

Need to let the ladies represent!

Date: 2009-04-02 22:37 Subject: Back to the 80s (4 of 6) Security: Public

OK, kind of a lame video, but a great song, and a frat party favorite.

Date: 2009-04-02 22:35 Subject: Back to the 80s (3 of 6) Security: Public

Tell me you didn't love this song, and scratch your head at the video.

Date: 2009-04-02 22:34 Subject: Back to the 80s (2 of 6) Security: Public

See, Thomas Dolby was more than a one-hit wonder:

Date: 2009-04-02 22:11 Subject: Back to the 80s (1 of 6) Security: Public Mood: nostalgic

For some reason, I'm on an 80s music tear (and for once, it's NOT A Flock of Seagulls). Here's some of the songs that have been bouncing through my brain (had to break this up into separate posts; LJ is not cooperating when I embed more than one video in a post):

Date: 2009-03-26 14:15 Subject: Word of the Day Security: Public

I have decided - the word of the day is SPORK.

The goal is to use this word as either a noun or a verb at least once in everyday conversation (verbal or written).

Can you tell I'm friggin' loopy today?

Date: 2009-03-23 16:22 Subject: 30 days Security: Public Mood: content Tags: anni

As some / many / most of you know, I haven't exactly had the best track record with women lately. I usually start off well, have a few dates, and even start to have some sort of connection where I think of them as my girlfriend or that "special someone."

That lasts for about a month. By this time, we've spent a lot of time either on the phone, on the computer, or actually with each other. I've started to invest a fair bit of effort, time, and occasionally money into the relationship (and call it what you will, it is a relationship).

Somewhere around the 30 day mark, things go a little kaka. I may have come on a little too strong, or there may be something else going on beneath the surface that I'm not aware of, or maybe the connection that I was hoping for just wasn't there. Regardless, I'll usually get a phone call or email that starts of to the effect of "You're a great guy, but..."

There's a lot of other cliches there as well:
"It's not you, it's me."
"I really like you, but not in that way."
"I think you feel more for me than I feel for you."
"I don't want to mess up our friendship."
"I've sort of fallen for someone else"
"I'm so confused, I need time to think."
And so on, and so forth.

The end result of it is that I wind up having my feelings hurt, my heart beat up (not quite broken at this point, but still banged up), and we do a quick pull-back and retreat to our neutral corners for a while.
After a few weeks or a month, we'll resume contact with some trepidation, and not nearly as close as we were from even the time before we were dating.


I state all this because today is the 30-day mark for Anni and I.

In that time, we've spent a good deal of time with each other,
...but not every waking moment.

We've sent frequent emails,
...but not the long and heart-wrenching tomes I'm known for.

We've spoken on the phone just about every day,
...but for 15 or 20 minutes, not for hours at a stretch.

We've gone out to dinner a number of times,
...but we've probably stayed in and watched TV more than twice as often as we've gone out.

We've spent the night together at least twice a week for the past month, and there has been a certain physical aspect to our time together,
...but we haven't been consumed with sex and insatiable passion. We spend most of our time in bed either talking or sleeping.

Now after 30 days, she is frequently in my thoughts, but I'm not overwhelmed.
We are adults and recognize that we have lives apart from each other, and while we talk about our friends and family, there isn't the mad rush to meet them and insinuate ourselves into each others social network. I know some of her "back story", and she knows mine, but we still have a lot to learn about each other, and neither of us are trying to push the other into revealing too much too soon.

In short, I can say that I like being with her, look forward to seeing her, and I think my life is better with her in it. I think she feels the same way (or if she doesn't, she sure has me fooled).

At the extreme risk of jinxing things, I think my 30-day curse is broken.

Now I need to get through the 60 day, 90 day, and 120 day milestones.
(Since the divorce, I haven't been with anyone long enough that it would be a concern, so the fact that I can worry about that now is actually a good thing.)

It's been smooth sailing so far, and now I can let my guard down a little more (as Anni is so fond of reminding me, she's not going anywhere). I know it won't always be beer and skittles between us, and we'll have some disagreements, arguments, and flat out fights in the future. The nice thing is that since the highs haven't been Mount Everest peaks, the lows won't be a free-fall crash into Death Valley chasms.


I think I've finally figured out the formula for a happy, healthy relationship: there is no formula.
(hey, I'm a guy, it takes us a while to realize the painfully obvious)

You just take what life gives you, accept people as they are without trying to fit them into your set of predefined archetypes, and treat each day with them as a gift from God. Nobody's perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection, just for happiness, and I'm glad I've found it with Anni.

Date: 2009-03-17 13:49 Subject: Well, it's sort of Irish Security: Public

I'm in a weird mood today, and have a bagpipe fixation.
I came across this video, and it shows that not all comedians play a guitar:

Date: 2009-03-12 16:50 Subject: Random earworm Security: Public

Don't know why this song started running through my head, but I figure "Why suffer alone?"

Marvin I Love You

Date: 2009-03-01 23:17 Subject: It's been one week... Security: Public Mood: pleased

...and I'm mildly excited about the latest developments in my life. There's someone new in my life, and occasionally in my home (and isn't that what I said I wanted a few weeks ago). I'll be posting a few details of this new "special someone", a little at a time. For now, here's a few basic facts:

Her name is Anni, not to be confused (NEVER to be confused) with my sister Ann.
42 years old, just two years older than me.
Reddish-blond hair.
Met through an online dating site (I guess they do work once in a while).
Works for a local college.

More information MAY follow next week, and not going to let myself get too carried away just yet (in fact, I probably have my emotional shields up pretty tight), but for now, so far so good.

Date: 2009-02-23 13:25 Subject: This is SO FRICKIN' COOL! Security: Public

Doctor Who Theme performed on Tesla Coils:




I am such a dork!