Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You (tallguy) wrote,
Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You
tallguy

For Anni

Before I met you, I was so lonely. I would come home from work to an empty house, the tattered remnants of a disappointing life all around me. I was too apathetic to care, and never noticed how I had let myself and my world fall into disrepair. Why should I care? It wasn't like there was anyone who would notice. Dishes would pile up, the grass would go uncut, and mementos and pictures would get stuffed away because there was no one to share them with.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I would toss and turn in bed, nobody but the dog to keep me company at night. I would stay up until all hours of the night, doing God knows what. When I dreamed, I couldn't remember them, and when I had nightmares, there was no one there to comfort me when I awoke in a cold sweat, heart pounding. As much as I hated going to bed at night, I would get up in the morning and struggle to get out of bed, because there was nothing in the waking world that I particularly wanted to see.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world, at least not in my 9 to 5 world. I was at a new job where I didn't know anyone, was insecure about my abilities, and was still reeling from the emotional bruising of being fired from my old job. I couldn't help but think that I only got this job out of pity's sake, and I wasn't a valued member of the work force. At the first sign of trouble, it, too, could be snatched away from me, and I would be set adrift in a sea of unemployment and financial worries, and this time those cold waters could drag me under for the last time.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I would go out to the bars almost every weekend. I wasn't looking for anyone or anything of significance. All I wanted was to spend my money on beer and vodka, check out all the hot young chicks, and buy them drinks and trinkets in a pathetic attempt to get one of them to notice me. I would chat them up, desperately trying to come across as smooth and attractive, and if they were drunk enough, maybe I might get a kind word or a kiss for my efforts. On the extremely rare events that I would bring one home, it was meaningless physical copulation, followed by hours and days of emotional hand-wringing. More often, I would spend all my money and energy in a fruitless attempt to have some sort of human contact, and at the end of the night I would still come home alone. It was a waste of time.

And then I met you.


Before I met you, I wasn't sure if I would ever open myself up to a real relationship again. I had a few aborted attempts, but none of them were really what I wanted. I could never find a person that I would give myself to unconditionally, or whom was willing to give themselves to me in that way. I saw some friends as something more, because I desperately wanted there to be something more. I wanted to love and be loved, and I was practiced at the art of self-deception. I couldn't see past my own needs, and clung to the slimmest threads of the chance for love. When those threads unraveled, I felt worse than if I had never made the effort. I never thought I would find real love again, never thought I would find someone I wanted to spend my days and nights with, never even hoped that I would find myself thinking of a future with them.

And then I met you.


I never thought I would be truly happy in my life.

And then I met you.
Tags: anni, love
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