Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You (tallguy) wrote,
Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You

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I had a bit of an interesting experience, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Most of my faithful readers know that Kat and I are divorced (over a year now), but for what are very pragmatic reasons, we still live in the same house (separate rooms on opposite sides of the house).

Recently, Kat starting going out with someone. I know him from church, and he is a very nice and decent fellow. I've seen them arm and arm outside church, and I've been happy for both of them. I secretly (well, not-so-secretly) hope that they become a serious item.

Today was the first time that Kat had her boyfriend over to the house. She requested that I spend the day out. No problem. I had things to do, and I told her that I would be home some time after 9:00.

Around 10:00, I came home and went into the garage to get my clothes off the line. I turn on the light, and apparently walked in on Kat and her fellow steaming up the car windows. I didn't actually see them snogging, but they both had that sort of caught-in-the-act look. I think I blinked once, then grabbed my clothes, muttered something about her dad, then scampered off to my room.

I was somewhat taken aback at seeing them together in the garage. I wasn't jealous per se, but this was the first time that I saw my ex-wife in a covertly romantic situation, and something deep down flared for a split second. I think it was more instinct than anything else.

I was a little embarrassed, walking in on them like that. I did try to warn them, calling home first, beeping the car horn, and generally not trying to hide my presence. It probably wouldn't bother me if I saw them kissing in broad daylight, I just felt awkward walking in on them in what was obviously supposed to be a private moment.

If anything, I think I was envious. She has managed to find someone, and I know that because of this calling to a religious vocation, I have categorically eliminated any possibility of being involved with anyone ever again. Whenever people ask me about Kat, I tell them that I am genuinely happy for her, and that given time, I will come to accept the decision I have made as part of God's plan for me. Still, there's a big part of me that still wishes I was with someone, and seeing them together like that just reminded me that it will never happen.

What do you think? Am I wrong to feel the way I feel? Do I have any right to be envious of Kat's happiness?

PS - I have screened this post so Kat won't see it. If any of you are on Kat's friends list, promise me that you will NOT mention a word of this to her. She's finally found true love after all these years; I don't want my petty insecurities to cast a shadow on her happiness.
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