Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You (tallguy) wrote,
Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You
tallguy

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Well, I thought they were funny!

I know that posting jokes is a piss-poor excuse for content, but I'm just having one of those days that I just have to laugh at life. A friend of mine sent these to me. I have edited them down for length and my personal feelings, but they're still pretty damn funny. Just don't take them too seriously.


RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW.

These things are true,and if women knew them and paid heed to them, the battle of the sexes would end. Please note,these are all numbered #1 ON
PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the main reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. (Personal note: I am a neck-a-holic, and when my wife has short hair, I am constantly nibbling at her nape. Long hair serves the same purpose as lingerie; an attractive obstacle.)

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, or what's on television.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere,absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. We don't do sympathy very well.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours,like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet, attic, basement or worse, the garbage. (OK, so this one is a pre-emptive strike. I know my wife won't do that...much.)

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,but it is just not worth the hassle.


New words added to the 2001 version of the Dictionary

ASSMOSIS
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Inevitably, it was the person who most recently left the organization.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CAREER LIMITING MOVE (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um...friend."

BODY NAZIS
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, And Oppressive Mortgage".

STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. JOB
A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
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