Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You (tallguy) wrote,
Bill, aka the Crazy Clock Guy, aka Hey You
tallguy

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Well, it was nice while it lasted

Just got off the phone with Sandy. I won't go into the details, but she felt (and I agreed) that we needed to cool things off, and go back to just being friends. I can't say I'm surprised; long distance relationships are hard enough when you've actually been with the person, but building a relationship almost entirely online is no way to start.

What can I say? I'm disappointed, and a little sad. It was nice to be able to say that I had a girlfriend, and I'm sorry we never got the chance to really spend time together as boyfriend/girlfriend. I would have liked to give her one real kiss, to see if it felt as good as I imagined.

But I'm not upset, I'm not angry, and I can't find fault in her at all. She was, is, and will continue to be a very special person in my life. We started out as friends, the only time we saw each other was as friends, and I can't miss a physical closeness or intimacy that we never had. I still am looking forward to seeing her in November, now more than ever because the pressure to fit all of the relationship stuff into a weekend has been taken away. We can go to dinner or go for a walk, talk and laugh, and maybe even hold hands or snuggle on the sofa like I think we always wanted (well, at least the way I always wanted) and not feel like there needs to be more.

It's not going to be an instant change. I can't just switch off my feelings, as intense as I had let them become. I know I allowed myself to get carried away, fantasizing about what could be and what might be rather than thinking about what is possible and practical. Maybe (nope, no maybe about it) I built up a grand romance in my mind that had no sane hope of matching the reality of our circumstances. It's not going to be a hard crash landing, but it is definitely time to come out of the clouds, and I think I knew that all along. Sometimes the dream feels so good, you don't want to wake up, but you can't sleep forever.

Sandy, I know you're reading this, and at the risk of repeating what we just spoke about: I think you're great, and warm, and smart, and funny. I really, truly do think you are beautiful and have the most incredible eyes, and I hope you don't mind if I tell you that from time to time. I think you did the right thing, and while things turned out different than I hoped, I have a good feeling that we will stay close friends, and that I can celebrate with you when you find someone out there who will treat you with the same amount of respect, affection, and even love that I feel for you.

See, I knew we would find that word together. I just wasn't counting on letting it go, but that's okay. It wasn't the right word for us; our paths approached it, close enough to feel it's warmth and power, and to bring us closer as friends, and that's all anyone could hope for.
Tags: friendship, sandy
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