Technically speaking, I am not Jewish. I haven't gone through the formal conversion process, and I have been somewhat lackluster in my efforts to that end. Normally, I am not terribly observant, not really keeping kosher, usually working on the Sabbath, and don't even belong to any synagogue. I haven't even been to synagogue for over a year, always finding some excuse not to go. Some Jews would look upon me with disdain today because I am 1. at work, 2. will be at work tonight, 3. am sitting in an office chair (although it is lowered as far as it will go, which makes typing and deskwork very awkward), 4. wearing leather shoes (forgot about that one until I got to work), and finally, don't know the first thing about what prayers to recite at what times.
That, and my stomach is rumbling. I am dying for something to eat or drink. Tonight is going to be a real pain in the ass, since I will be on my feet and probably doing some sort of physical exertion. I'm having a real tough time concentrating on work today, and it is REALLY hard for me to act in a less-than-outgoing mood on purpose. I'm not even supposed to say hello to anyone or talk unless absolutely necessary.
A BIG part of me is wondering why I'm doing this, but that part was just pushed back in it's box by a mind-clearing walk, where I asked G-d to give me strength, understand of that which I am meant to understand, and acceptance of that which I am not. Part of me wants to forget the fast and eat something. Another part of me wants to call in from my job tonight so I don't overdo it.
I know this isn't supposed to be easy, but why does it have to be so HARD?